Love Affair With Oxygen

DAMN I love these flow moments!! 9.58 km at an average pace of 8.14 km/min. And I have no idea where the hour and 18 minutes have gone.

I have been running regularly for the past week and a half. My lungs have definitely been having a love affair with oxygen. I am thinking they are now starting some kind of relationship with it as well. It’s all so new and uncommon to them. My body feels on a high, almost drugged up with all this unfamiliar ability to breath. I wonder if this is what drug addicts actually feel like when they are on their high. It is addictive. And not just because of the enormous endorphin release after exercise. Over the past years, since my crico-tracheal resection in 2005 I have had countless dilations procedures but I cannot recall, as much as I try, that I have been able to breath this effortlessly than after the ‘data-collection/laser-dilation‘ of 2 weeks ago.

All I can think is ‘bloody hell, if my specialist is this good in creating an airway by such conservative means, how brilliant must he be when he dishes out the medical full monty??‘ I have been so anxious and concerned and worried and afraid since the initial appointment. But this, these past few days, these runs, the way I am feeling on a day-to-day basis when just living my life I am pretty sure my mind is made up and I will go for this major reconstruction procedure.

Yes, I understand there is no 100% guarantee that things will work, but I reckon the stakes are pretty high that it will. I am still not looking forward to the whole thing (I think you’d be pretty mad if you did…. I mean, come on, seriously, a trach??? Skin graft, stent, not eating properly, not sleeping properly, being incarcerated for 2 weeks or more………urgh, I can think of much more pleasant things, by far!). But this, I want this. I WANT THIS BACK! I want normality back, well, as normal as things could be after such an invasive operation, but surely more than now.

Unfortunately my follow-up appointment, which should have been yesterday has been moved to next week Wednesday. And yes, I am still biting my nails. But I think more now because I am worried that my specialist has come to the conclusion that conditions are not favorable for a reconstruction and that I have to make do with dilations for the rest of my hopefully long life and the bleak outlook of a permanent trach at some point during all of this.

I try not to think about that. I am trying to enjoy this phase, these moments of care-free and effortless breath that have been given to me. And my lungs, well, they are loving their current love affair with oxygen.

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