Up one minute, down the next

Technically I should have no reason to complain whatsoever. The sun has been shining here continuously for nearly two weeks with temps more or less touching on 30. Ok I have been stupidly busy with the end of the school year approaching and all sorts of functions to attend. And last but not least my work is running extremely smoothly (however I am counting the days until my holiday now 🙂 ).

You’d think that would be more than enough to keep my mind off the dreaded LTR. And I haven’t actually been thinking about it too much recently – well, until Monday at least. I have been waiting and waiting for the hospital to get in touch with me and let me know when it would be my turn to be led to the slaughter bench. You know when you get that odd feeling about something, something you cannot put your finger on, but you know something is coming? I kind of had that on Monday. I guess you could say I felt it in my water that I would be getting some sort of news on something or other.

And low and behold at round about 2 pm that day I received a phone call from the hospital sending my mind into Armageddon – like so often these last few months. And here it is, I finally have my date: I am due to have my laryngo-tracheal reconstruction done on Tuesday, 10 September. Um, yay……. I guess.

Theoretically I should be happy that I have a date where all these medical issues are likely to be put to rest once and for all. And yes I am, that is if you can be happy about this sort of thing. LTR and happy just seem to be a bit of an oxymoron.

I have been on a bit of a rollercoaster of thoughts this past week. I felt strangely numb and detached after the phone call on Monday. Thankfully all the organization with work commitments and childcare I had to undertake took up the best part of the following few hours. But the quiet hours of the evening approached far too quickly, like every evening since Monday, which left me in a state of mulling over things.

There are exactly three scary things I can now pinpoint, which keep sneaking up into my mind. But the positives first: A successful procedure will mean effortless breathing. And not just for a few weeks or months, but hopefully for the rest of my life. It will also mean that in connection with this disease not having to face the possibility of a permanent trach. It will mean energy, no fatigue (or less of it anyway), no coughing, participating in fast paced sports should I choose to want to do so. Not worrying about when I have to schedule the next operation, and the next and the next and the next. There are so many positives to be gained from this.

But these are the fears that I face and at times they seem to overshadow every single positive thought that I have:

  1. The trach
  2. Further loss of my already damaged voice
  3. What if this doesn’t work either???

Number 1 and 3 are probably the bigger ones and number 3 overtaking number 1 just that little bit more. I have been told by the specialists on the team that unless there had been any other underlying systemic conditions this procedure has proved to be successful. I have met a lady who is 7 months post op and she is doing beautifully. Another lady who has had the procedure in May and she is fine now. But after two major ops being unsuccessful…. I guess you could say once bitten, twice shy and as much as I try to push it into the furthest corners of my mind, the question remains, ‘what if this doesn’t work’?

All these jumbled thoughts lead to this state of ‘up one minute, down the next’. And I guess that until this is over, this is the emotional state I will be dealing with on a day to day basis. I just hope the associated mood swings don’t get any worse until then.

2 thoughts on “Up one minute, down the next

  1. Laura Kagel

    I have a resection scheduled in August and every day I am going back and forth about whether I should go through with it, so I totally understand your dilemma. My mind dances between how great a permanent solution would be and everything that could go wrong. It’s exhausting.


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