Something to look forward to

30 April 2013, 3 June 2013, 26 June 2013, 15 July 2013….. what do these dates have in common? Well, it was on those dates that project ‘Major Surgery 3.0‘ got kick-started and solidified. I was on holiday this last week and during the days and weeks before that, whenever I was on a low I was told ‘Hey come on, you have a holiday to look forward to‘. And boy did I look forward to it.

I used to live in the Allgäu, one of the most beautiful areas of Germany. For ISS sufferers a bit of a nightmare however as it is a very hilly and mountainous region. I decided to not let that stop me. Mostly because I was traveling with a friend and I had to at least try and play a halfway decent tour guide. So we took on the challenge, more for me than for him, of walking up some not so shallow hills to enjoy the beauties of the area. Never mind I that sounded like Darth Vader after a 5000 meter sprint. It was well worth it.

Combine this with an open air opera on Lake Constance which was preceded by a cloud burst ruining my freshly done up hair (!!), a crazy over-night trip to Venice (only about 6 hours in the car each way, but hey, YOLO, right?), a gondolier who got the seasons confused by serenading us with ‘We wish you a Merry Christmas‘ (I would have preferred ‘O Sole Mio‘ but I guess you can’t have it all), a sat nav that took a particular liking to roundabouts and a relaxing last day at a huge spa bath comprised of several saunas (yes, I know it is August) I can safely say it was one of the best holidays I have had in a long time.

What also made it to a great holiday was the fact that I was actually able to switch off – nearly. You would think that a holiday would help in stabilising this sword of Damocles, frighteningly hanging above every thought I have, but no, it made itself appear at such an inconvenient time. Coming back from Venice, stopping off at Verona the whole time I was in my own little bubble. This made the whole situation worse for me as I felt I was not particularly the best company that morning which was about the last thing I had wanted on this trip. Thank goodness however for understanding friends and ice cream.

There was one more thing which overshadowed the last few days somewhat: I guess it is time to mention the difficult relationship I have with my family, or perhaps they have with me, I am not quite sure. Though I guess it depends on the angle of perspective. My family does not know what is going on nor what I will be going through. And for some reason I do not feel I am at a point where I can tell them. Ironic isn’t it that, at a time when you would actually need this familial support the most it turns out to be exactly the time when you seem to be the least able to access it. The reasons as to why this is the case are far too complex to even begin to explain nor are they in any way relevant for this blog.

It is interesting, I see it so clearly with my son now, he may have his moments when he throws a strop, saying he wants to live with daddy (mostly when I decline one of his requests), but when he is ill, it is mummy he wants. Ok, he is 5 and I am 32 and he is certainly more dependent on me than we as adults are on our family members. Still, this is the time when you would want that comforting net of loved ones around you, which soothes you like nothing else really can, which in a way can act as balm to the soul and take away some of this dreadful anxiety. The trouble is, they probably feel so incredibly helpless in all of this that, like I have had to experience with past procedures and complications, it is not support I feel but rather a form of patronising and belittling. And unfortunately I have no idea how to bring across what support it is that I actually need. I guess it is a two-way street with a dual dead end. Or, at least with some major construction sites on both sides.

As said, I was told I had this holiday to look forward to. That was a kind of distractive life line if you so will. But now….. I have something else to look forward to. This damn LTR ….. scheduled in no less than 30 days.

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