Just Me Getting Emotional…..

Never regret a decision you have made. Never allow fear to overrule your desire to take risks, to prove it to yourself, to flee from emotional oppression. Never be afraid to follow the path of your gut feeling. You never know what it may lead to. Why am I saying this? Because I am living something connected to this indirectly as well as directly.

Four years ago a desire was stirred inside me. Something that washed me away as expectantly as it did without forewarning. An initial seed of escapism was planted and allowed to flourish. Attempts were made to knock me down, to discourage me from what my innermost instincts told me I had to do at that moment in my life. I was ridiculed, insulted and desperately hurt. It meant breaking ties of friendship, pushing back family all the while hurting others only to heal myself – emotionally.

I had no idea of what was to come in my life. I just knew I has to do this, to escape, to run away.

This ‘this’ was planing to uproot my entire life and move. Not flat, not town, but country. To go back to my past so I could go on with my future. It was tough, still is and to this day holds a tremendous amount of uncertainty. But also many positives I never even dared to imagine would come true in my lifetime.

Dealing with ISS as so many of you know, but most of you don’t, like with any illness, is a day to day challenge and it is a silent one. For me it lasted acutely for 13 years. And it seems to be coming to an end.

When I moved (back) to the UK in 2012 I had not for the life of me considered being introduced to the person who would come to change my entire life – medically speaking. One year after my relocation I was given the dangling carrot of stable health, stable breath. But what a journey I was going to have to take up for it, after the amount I had already had to shoulder so far. Having my throat slashed, a breathing tube put in, my body being pumped full of toxins all in the hope of successfully combatting this disease. And as scared, angry and emotional as I was I decided to accept and more importantly face this battle – again.

You get blasé about this things. Those of you who have had to deal with current medical issues, regardless of their nature, know the cynicism you develop. It is part and parcel, necessary even otherwise you would end up in utter despair. I received support I never thought I would and to this day I have not found the words to express my gratitude towards all those people that have stood by me in this battle.

Now I am quite possibly a mere single step away from getting a kind of normal voice back, from freedom, only having to return to the battle field for observations. This would NEVER have come about had I listened to my opponents 4 years ago. Had I succumb to the crippling fear always at the ready to lull me back to the dazed state of my then known comfort zone.

Despite all the general struggles (but also many little positives I am blessed with) my decision to relocate led to a victory I had never dared dreaming I would get (back): health. At least to as good a degree as I will ever get with this. The side affect with this victory is a life I can quite probably live to a fully normal extent.

Don’t ever be afraid to dream and to follow that. Don’t ever let fear take away what your gut is trying to tell you. Have faith, it will all work out even when you think it may not. You never know what positive lies ahead.

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